My dear Theo,
There’s something on my mind that I want to tell you.
Perhaps you already know something about it, and what I’m telling you isn’t
news.
I wanted to tell you that this summer I’ve come to love Kee
Vos so much that I could find no other words for it than ‘it’s just as if
Kee Vos were the closest person to me and I the closest person to Kee Vos’. And
— I said these words to her. But when I told her this, she replied that her
past and her future were all one to her and so she could never return my
feelings.
Then I was in an awful dilemma about what to do, to resign
myself to that no, nay, never, or — not yet to regard the matter as over and
done with, and to take courage and not give up yet.
I chose the latter. And until now I haven’t regretted that
decision, even though I’m still confronted with that no, nay, never.
Since then, of course, I’ve suffered a great many ‘petty
miseries of human life’, which, if they were written down in a book,
could perhaps serve to amuse some people, though they can hardly be considered
pleasant if one experiences them oneself. Nonetheless, up to now I’ve been glad
that I left the resignation or ‘how-not-to-do-it’ method to those who prefer it and, as for myself,
plucked up a little courage. You understand that in cases like this it’s
surprisingly difficult to know what one can, may and must do. But ‘wandering we
find our way’,and not by sitting still.
One of the reasons I haven’t written to you about it before
now is that the position in which I found myself was so vague and undecided
that I couldn’t explain it to you.
Now, though, we’ve progressed to the point where I’ve spoken
about it — in addition to her — to Pa
and Ma,
to Uncle
and Aunt Stricker and to Uncle
and Aunt at Princenhage.The only one who said to me, though very
informally and in private, that I did indeed have a chance if I worked hard and
prospered, is one from whom I didn’t expect it at all, Uncle Cent. He was
amused at the way I took Kee’s
no, nay, never, i.e. by making light of it and sort of joking about it, bring
no grist to Kee Vos’s mill of no, nay, never, for example, I wish her all good
things, apart from hoping that the aforementioned flour-mill will go bankrupt.
Likewise I didn’t much mind when Uncle Stricker said there was a danger I
‘would sever friendly relations and break old ties’, to which I replied that in
my opinion the case in question, far from breaking old ties, could renew the
old ties where they were in need of repair. At any rate, I hope to go on like
this and to keep well away from melancholy and pessimism. Meanwhile working
hard, and since meeting her my work is going much better.
I said that now the situation is becoming somewhat clearer.
First, Kee
says no, nay, never, and furthermore I believe that I’ll have tremendous
difficulty with the elders who already regard the matter as over and done with
and will try and force me to give up. For the time being, though, I believe
they’ll proceed with caution, keeping
me dangling and fobbing me off until Uncle
and Aunt Stricker’s big celebration (in December) is over. Because they want to avoid scandal.
After that, though, I fear that steps will be taken to get rid of me.
Forgive the rather harsh terms I’m using to make my position
clear to you. I admit that the colours are a little harsh and the lines drawn a
bit too hard, but it will nevertheless give you a clearer picture of the
situation than if I were to beat about the bush. So don’t suspect me of lack of
respect for those Elder persons.
Only I believe that they’re decidedly against it, and
I want to make you see this. They’ll try and see to it that Kee
and I can neither see nor speak nor write to one another, just because they
understand very well that if we were to see, speak or write to one another
there would be a chance of a change of heart in Kee. Kee herself thinks she‘ll
never change her mind and, though the elder persons are trying to convince me
that she can’t change, they fear that change nonetheless.
The elder persons will change their minds about this matter
not when Kee
changes her mind but when I become someone who earns at least 1,000 guilders a
year. Again, forgive the hard contours with which I outline things. While I
find little sympathy from the elders, I think that some of the younger ones
will be able to understand my attitude. Perhaps you, Theo. Perhaps you’ve heard
it said of me that I want to force the issue and suchlike expressions. But who
doesn’t understand how senseless it is to try and force love! No, that’s far,
far from my thoughts. But
it’s not unfair or unreasonable to wish that Kee and I, instead of not being
allowed to see one another, will see, speak and write to one another so that,
getting to know each other better, we’ll be able to see for ourselves
whether or not we’re suited to each other. A year of contact with one another
would be beneficial for her and for me, yet the elders won’t budge on this
point. If I were rich they’d talk altogether differently.
Yet by now you understand that I mean to leave no stone
unturned in my endeavours to bring me closer to her, and I declare that
I shall love her so long
Theo, aren’t you in love too, at times? I wish you were, for
believe me, the ‘petty miseries’ of it are also of some value. Sometimes one is
desolate, there are moments when one is in hell, as it were, but — it also
brings with it other and better things. There are three stages, first not
loving and not being loved, second loving and not being loved (the case in
question), third loving and being loved.
I’d say that the second stage is better than the first, but
the third! That’s it.
Now, old boy, go and fall in love and tell me about it
sometime. Keep quiet about the case in question and sympathize with me. I’d
much rather have a yea and amen, of course, but meanwhile I’m really rather
happy with my ‘no, nay, never’. I consider that something, but
older and wiser people say it’s nothing. Rappard
was here, brought along watercolours that are becoming good. Mauve is
coming soon, I hope, otherwise I’ll go to him. I’m drawing a great deal and
think it’s getting better, I’m working much more with the brush than I used to.
Now it’s so cold that practically all I do is draw figures inside, seamstress, basket-maker &c.
A handshake in thought, and write soon, and believe me
Ever yours,
Vincent
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